I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
