i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
