You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
