she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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