I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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