I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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