i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
