Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
