I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
