You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
high people should be assigned attendants
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
