My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
