He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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