Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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