I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize