so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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