I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
