Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
