Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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