I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
