Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
