Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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