that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
