guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Boobs speak an international language.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
