last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
