Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
