K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
