I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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