I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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