I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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