remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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