we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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