There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
