I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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