i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize