No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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