I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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