the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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