Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
