Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
