I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
