I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
