His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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