You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
