Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is my gift to your gina
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize