Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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