did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
