Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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