I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
