What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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