So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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