im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
