Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
this is an emotional support booty call
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
