I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
