Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
