so explain again why im purple
no
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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