sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
